It's always tough when you get news you didn't want. Not making a team can be pretty devastating to player, in some cases it's all they've been talking about and working on all summer.
Whether it's the first rep basketball team they're trying out for, trying out to rejoin the team they played with last year, or team they've had their eye on for a season or so, rejection hits hard. And it's worthy of acknowledgement.
As parents we want to comfort our players. We hate seeing them hurt, and in some cases, we believe our player would have made a better selection than some of the others picked.
I don't like always hitting the "teachable moment" playbook right away. A summer of hoping and training hard goes up in ashes when they don't get the call, and so I try to focus in on that to start. I compliment their dedication to their goal, and I compliment their maturity in even having a goal they worked toward at their age. I go over the accomplishments in question form so they vocalize the achievement:
Did you get better at shooting?
Are you a better dribbler and ball handler?
How's your defense now vs how it was at the start of the summer or the end of last season?
I let my player come to me with "what's next" or encourage it along if it doesn't happen.
My answer is always the same: You'll play elsewhere. If not a team, then during scrimmages at training. If you love this game, then you'll play this game, and you can even help me find places to look at.
This sounds very tidy. And yes, there can be more emotional responses at times. When this happens, I don't ask my player not to feel what he's feeling, but I do ask him what he wants to do about it. I let him know that if he really believes he deserves better that he needs to go out and get it.
This helps us to have a more open discussion about why they think they didn't make the team. Sometimes it's petty stuff like
"that coach never really liked me or gave me good minutes".
I usually advise at that point that I'm confused as to why they'd want to be on that team. Do they really believe things would change? If they do then fine, but it's worth pointing out that a coach has to make roster decisions based on plans they have.
They assign minutes based on performance within those plans.
They have a system they want to run, that requires certain skills and attributes to run effectively.
They typically have a player for 2 practices a week and 10-15 league games - they don't always have time to train skills as well as plays and a defense/offense system.
They are looking for players who are skill-ready on the day of tryouts.
When they are ready to move on to really identifying the problems and solutions we have an open and honest talk, during which
I get them to tell me what they think they could have done a better job of during tryouts or the previous season with that coach.
I get them to write it down in a bullet/check list
And then we talk about ways to improve those things. If there are other teams, let's look at them. If there are programs to get your skills up to snuff, let's look at them. Then let's talk about how much of an impression is needed to really show a coach they're worth one of the 12-15 spots offered in a 60-100 kid tryout session.
I involve my players in developing their solution, because this is their activity, their dream, their whatever it is to them, so they need to learn how to own it.
As of high school it's on them to decide where and what for each year - I'm just the driver at that point, unless asked for input.
Again, what I've outlined above is really clean, and doesn't actually play out as a script. It's also delivered in the context of our home, where this is the process so they have grown accustomed to the expectation that they need to figure things out. Putting your spin on this process can help you in helping your player to make the constant adjustments of attitude and training focus that a competitive sport requires.
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